By MJ Gray

 

Balancing versions of you—

Which one will I get today?

Will I feel loved and supported and wanted?

No.

Today is anxiety, uncertainty, unappreciation.

I check my phone repeatedly for your response 

as if my obsession will somehow make you care.

I’m begging for a sliver of your attention, and you still think I’m a burden for it. 

How are you the same person who loved me last night?

Balancing versions of you—

Did you mean it yesterday when you told me that you want to marry me someday?

How can you mean it if you texted me today that you were dancing with another girl?

No.

I’m not even allowed to be upset with you, you’ll just laugh at me.

But I remember how you hold me when I cry, how you still manage to make me smile.

I wonder where that person goes when you get tired of me like this,

When suddenly you treat your presence as a luxury, and I keep paying the price.

How are you the same person who makes me feel safe?

Balancing versions of you—

How long can I take the strain of never knowing what to expect from you?

Will my soul ever get used to this turmoil—

Wait.

My phone rings and floods my ears with your voice, your coldness suddenly melted away.

I relish in the warmth of your attention as the pit in my stomach dissipates. 

The version of you that I fell in love with is back, that’s all I can focus on. 

Your artificial sweetness blissfully races through my veins. 

How are you the same person who made me throw up this morning?

 

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MJ Gray is a junior triple-major studying environment, sustainability, & policy, geography, and policy studies. MJ is captain of the Mock Trial Team and wants to study environmental law after graduation. She relies on her writing as her creative outlet and means of expressing herself, and she loves writing poetry, personal essays, or anything prose.